Over the past few years, I have written and posted what was attempts at fictional humor.
When we last left Jay (Jay Tee) Tehitz,
he had was just committed into a Psychiatric Institution after dropping his britches to show the Judge in Court the black and blue shoe-print on his behind, placed there by his Uncle Jack.
Two years later, Jay was out, pronounced as cured, and Uncle Jack was retired, living on a fat pension as a recluse in the backwoods of Idaho somewhere, hunting and fishing and riding horses up and down trails to his heart's content.
Unfortunately, oblivious of the circumstances and scandal tied to Jay, and knowing only that his Uncle Jack was a beloved executive Vice President at their Candy Novelty Enterprise, which shall remain anonymous, Jay was rehired by a dingy out of Human Resources, but we won't go into that.
Jay was given a very spacious office cuble with 4 super-fast 10 terrabyte 6400 RAM computers and tasked with proactive sales recuitment of clients not yet held by the Company. So for his first assignment, he put together a video piece based on the 1980s Tears for Fears song called "Shout"
and made an excellent commercial for the Stain Removal Product under Trademark called "Shout", which slightly reworked demonstrated how stains were removed from clothing and that SHOUT was a great product. Unfortunately, Jay forgot he was working at a Candy Novelty firm, and his job was to sell candy for people to eat, not clean their clothes. When this was pointed out to Jay by his new boss, Vice President of Advertising, Burt, while in the center of the Corporate Cafeteria where Jay had found the elusive Burt to make his first pitch and first impression as a "go-getter", at that point Jay stated that he could tie it in to candy stained clothing, such as chocolate on shirts, chocolate wiped off on the pants, even chocolate stained underwear, upon which he was willing to do close ups in the commercial on.
Burt gasped, and exclaimed: "Who the hell drops a choolate candy bar down the backside of his pants and lets it melt?"
At which point he started walking around Jay, looking at Jay's backside, as Jay tried always to keep his frontside facing Burt. And the more Burt moved to get around Jay, the more Jay moved to keep his frontside facing Burt. Very quickly, the 50 or so people that had been talking in the Cafeteria stood as quietly as if in an "E.F. Hutton" Commercial where someone says that his "broker is E.F. Hutton, and E.F. Hutton says..."
Yes, it was so quiet as the entire Cafeteria stopped to watch Burt trying to check out Jay's backside to see if he had a chocolate stain back there, that you could have heard a mouse cupping its ears but for the scuffing and wheezing noises Burt was making until he realized everyone was staring at him in gaping horror.
Burt stopped, and gasped, "He let a chocolate candy bar fall down his backside and melt!"
To which several co-workers disgustingly replied, almost in unison, "That's sick! Let him keep it."
Quickly the Cafeteria emptied as people left their food and drinks, and uttered how gross, that Burt would still dare to eat a candy bar after it had been "down there".
That afternoon, Burt found that he was unable to get past explaining the public misperception accredited to him by his co-workers, and that due to his creating a hostile environment, he was "moving on", being dismissed for cause (for making public sexual advances on a subordinate); as Jay returned to his large office cubicle to create some more havoc...er, inspiration, as it were.
But Burt vowed that one day he would get revenge. Even if it meant becoming as crazy in his ideas as Jay is, and sending the President of the Candy Novelty Corporation a box of peppermint sticks shaped like tampons, plagiaring the Trademark name of "Always", and attaching Jay's name to the box, as if the idea came from him. The more Burt thought about it, the more his eye filled with evil glee, so that he even began rubbing over and under the back of his hands and laughing an evil laugh, "Mwahahahaha." Yes sir, Burt getting terminated without unemployment compensation in this Obama economy under a fictional (you've gotta be on "crack" to believe that 6 or 7 percent) number, which realistically is actually clore to 23.9% real unemployment, Burt "lost it."